Sunday, November 08, 2009

The Dominant Female.

Continuing on the theme of the alpha submissive female, I thought I'd make a few comments on the alpha dominant female.

Like all Alphas, these individuals are able to impose their will on others and are in control of their lives. They characters posses a combination of both psychological strength and will power. These are the women, who in their most benign, compel through manners and intelligence, and in their malignant form, assume the guise of the office bitch. They are the women the media laud and they posses the characteristics of success, discipline, intelligence and drive.

Now the Alpha Dominant female is the person who calls the shots in the relationship. She dictates the terms. When challenged, she will not defend but attack. Insulted, she knows no limit in reply. Slighted, she will seek her vengeance. If the relationship is not to her liking she walks. What we have in such an individual is akin to Nietzsche's "will to power ". These women have incredible psychological strength.

This is the type of woman that is able to triumph against adversity alone. They are incredibly successful in nearly everything they undertake ........................except their personal lives.

In dealing with these women, one of the recurring themes that comes up is of their inability to find a worthy mate. Firstly, there is the problem of finding an equal and not partnering "down" and secondly there is the problem that a lot of men are quite simply frightened off by this type of dominant woman. Admittedly a lot of these women actually end up being married; they're smart enough to know that the biological clock is ticking and that they need a father for the child, and unlike their less intelligent sisters, are prepared to accept a less than perfect man . This immediate solution does however lead to long term problems.

Slowly, but surely, over time they start to show contempt to the man. "I have to make all the decisions", "He's always making mistakes", "I can't trust him with anything". Her intellectual and character superiority become self-evident to her and she begins to despise her spouse.

This is an interesting phenomena and one that really hasn't been explored much. I mean why does a woman find a man that she can boss around contemptible? Why, in the age of Feminism, does leadership of a relationship produce unhappiness in the female leader? Why is emotional weakness, lack of ambition, etc. a turn off to women? It seems to be a universal trait and it's not something that seems to happen naturally to a man.

Why are weakness, indecision and lack of ambition so off putting to women?

Personally I don't believe that there is a contingent explanation. I believe that women are wired up that way and this response is part and parcel of a feminine nature. It's in their nature to recoil when these traits are displayed in a man, furthermore these non-masculine traits seem to switch off sexual desire.(Speculation:Presumably a helpless man resembles a child and triggers off a mothering response in a woman. The mothering response is however asexual with regard to the object of its intention. i.e women don't want to have sex with children)

Recent research looking into how the brain responds to erotic images indicates that a fair amount of subconscious erotic recognition processing occurs even before a person is aware of it. Our response to the erotic is not a conscious willed activity. Or in other words, if you lack the features that switch on the sexual response, there will be no erotic attraction. Being nice to a woman in the absence of triggering the cerebral erotic response will not get a man love or sex.(Fortunately men can learn Game)

Link 1:
"In this study, we demonstrate that information that has not entered observers' consciousness, such as [invisible] erotic pictures, can direct the distribution of spatial attention.
Link 2:

As subjects looked at the slides, electrodes on their scalps measured changes in the brain's electrical activity called event-related potentials (ERPs). The researchers learned that regardless of a picture's content, the brain acts very quickly to classify the visual image. The ERPs begin firing in the brain's cortex long before a person is conscious of whether they are seeing a picture that is pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.

But when the picture is erotic, ERPs begin firing within 160 milliseconds, about 20 percent faster than occurred with any of the other pictures. Soon after, the ERPs begin to diverge, with processing taking place in different brain structures for erotic pictures than those that process the other images.

Now if a woman is genetically programmed to positively erotically respond to dominant male traits this raises some interesting issues. Firstly social conditioning is going to have a limited impact in modifying the response. Secondly, the more a man defers to a woman, lets her take control and seeks her approval by trying to please her, the less he appears a man and the more he appears the child: the less erotically inclined she will be towards him. Men who accept the gospel of radical feminism become less sexually attractive to their wives.

Now I believe in what might be called "Thomistic psychology". That is, men and women have different natures and needs, and that acting contrary to one's nature or having one's natural needs unsatisfied will lead to unhappiness. This idea of a "predictable female nature" was of the things that provoked my interest in the Game community. Furthermore, both St Thomas and the Gaming community taught that you can't escape nature, it forms the core essence of who you are. Your gender is not a social construct, it's innate.

Now, if you take this "natural" approach to female psychology a lot of things begin to make sense. Men who display decision, dominance, intelligence and ambition are going to trigger switches in a woman which will facilitate sexual attraction. Women with poor self control are going to follow their instincts while women with greater self-control are going to cognitively evaluate their mate with regard to his suitability. A lot of girls have poor self-control; especially when alcohol is involved and consequently a lot of regretted sexual activity occurs after drinking.

Now, one of those natural needs which people seek is a mate and the Alpha dominant woman is in a non-enviable position in this regard. Without a mate her life is empty, and she is saddened by this state of affairs. On one hand she wants to be loved, but on the other, her character and strength overpower nearly all men, so its very difficult to find a mate as her subconscious erotic buttons only get pushed in the presence of an even more strong willed person than herself. As she exceptional, her pool of mates will be very small, declining in proportion to her intelligence and strength of will. On the other hand if she chooses a man less "psychologically strong" than herself, she is going to find her mate erotically repulsive to the degree in which she can dominate him. At best it ends up being a marriage of friendly convenience, at worst, she will eventually leave.

This is why the only happy Alpha woman is the woman who has found a more assertive man than herself. The only happy Alpha woman is the Alpha submissive; the Alpha dominant travels alone.


Keoni Galt said...

Secondly, the more a man defers to a woman, lets her take control and seeks her approval by trying to please her, the less he appears a man and the more he appears the child: the less erotically inclined she will be towards him. Men who accept the gospel of radical feminism become less sexually attractive to their wives.


Sex, Lies and Attempts at Truth said...

As a leader in my work environment I see myself in the alpha dominant traits you describe yet I know absolutely I am a submissive woman. I have reconciled the dominant traits I exhibit at work with my nature by saying I 'serve' the company. I am not bossy in relationship thankfully - neither with girl friends or romantic interests.

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sakura said...

With my basic english I will try to explain why I think this post is not absolutely right. First, any woman will leave a relationship when she feels his man is not worthy enough, the submissive or the dominant. Secondly. Lost of dominant man behave like children, when they are selfish and procrastinate their chores in the house and lots of them have runts. Yes I have seen them. It's not a turn on. Third, Submissive man are not per se weak men. It requires a lot of strength to be up for the challenge of pleasing a dominant woman. If the submissive person knows his-her own worth, the attractive side multiplies. In other words, is never attractive the person that seeks other person's approval so badly that his entire self-stem depends on it. A dominant woman can find love and happiness like any other woman.

Bella said...

Oh my. This is bang on. I am a dominant woman, highly intelligent. Was married, had children and over time I had no desire for him. I could not stand his lack of backbone or strength. Now dating, I DO find the pool of potential mates very small, am frustrated as I am very loving and want to be loved as well.

To bad there is not a study on how to overcome this!

Anonymous said...

This post just shed an incredible amount of light on my current situation... I'm a little sadder for it but at least I understand the what and why now. I have always been called the "The Dominant Female" in my group and never really thought about the repercussion it might have.

Valjean said...

You're right on some things. But you're making a gross generalization in saying that all domineering women are intelligent and even more so when you say they are psychologically strong. The patterns I've seen in domineering women are authoritarian personalities who would rather deal with a personal problem by categorizing it based on little information, and setting off the habitual response to that category of problems. This is often a very snap and reactive decision, and hardly consists of any critical thinking or perspective taking. The "confident" attitude propels this quick-conclusion jumping behavior into seeming like the person knows a lot and is making a sound, effortless decision. Thing is, it's wrong most of the time.

Women who are domineering tend to have high anxiety with things not going the way they like, and have high expectations of themselves (and others). Most people will not meet their expectations, so they lose faith in people and assume to dominate all decisions because they genuinely believe they can handle it better. They are impatient, impulsive, and entitled. Furthermore, they severely lack in constructive communication skills, often shedding compromise to maintain their egos. None of this composes psychological strength. It composes a person who perceives the world in black and white. It composes a person who doesn't give others and other options a chance. It composes someone who is conservative to the point of holding contempt for others for their beliefs. I composes someone who uses others as a medium for her getting things done, because it is cognitively and emotionally easier to lay responsibility for possible failure on someone else and maintain the golden ego. Again, none of this is psychological strength. It's quickness of mind alright, but quickness of mind based on an outdated, immature set of habits that often clash with the world. That's why they seem so confident. They are always struggling with the world that doesn't work their way, and they always get their way (or make it seem so). You never hear someone like this talking about their weaknesses because whatever mistakes they make they pass the blame onto others.

Dominant PEOPLE (I will step off the gender train right now because believe it or not, men and women are more similar on a base level than you think)tend to have this anxiety driven, untrusting, shrewd attitude toward life. On the flip-side, to keep the momentum, they cannot take criticism or even the nagging memory that they did something unjust or inefficient. They automatically- quick like magic- shift the blame onto others. These dominant types are some of the hardest people to counsel in therapy. Many of them have a sense of entitlement coming from a backlash of negative experiences long ago, or the old way, from parents who made them feel like they were gold. They score high on authoritarian scales, and while the more intelligent ones can formulate their arguments via theory and points, the baseline for dominant people in an argument is always "because I'm saying so. You don't know anything."

Dominant people look down on others for a host of reasons. Some do because others may seem strange in their ways (strange to them can mean anything from truly odd to being a little bit different from them in seeing the world). Some do because they deem others as "ugly" or "socially retarded", often just conjecture based on very little opinion that shows just how shallow of a view they have of people. Again, they take one tiny behavioral cue and assume that it means the person is "crazy" or "stupid" etc. They are very brusque with other people and come off as confident because they want their way and honestly cannot see other human beings as living flesh with their own existences. These people live in a solipsistic fantasyland full of justifications and bullying others. I've worked with them, I have experience from my line of work.

Valjean said...

Now not all may be this way, not all have this level, but these characteristics are often the case with people who have highly controlling and dominant habits. We still think in terms of social Darwinism to this day; it is a shame that we view these people as "confident" or "better". They are not. They are merely children in adult bodies.

As far as your idea on radical feminism, I suggest you read about the nature of patriarchy and actually read the arguments of some radical and liberal feminists. You'd be surprised. Men who are the "nice guy" are often men with submission habits, low self esteem, and serious loneliness. They aren't worshipping women as much as they are trying to secure for themselves a token of their own self-worth and a source of emotional comfort. It's not as "feminist" as you think; usually these men end up passive-aggressively abusing their women. Extreme people do extreme things. Nice post, but check out some literature on cognition and conditioning. And absolutely read some family systems and Adlerian literature. Men from Mars and Women From Venus is not psychology.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Valjean, you really blew the lid off this whole thing. Kudos. You basically said everything I was thinking!

The Social Pathologist said...

Dominance is an issue of strength not logic. What matters is not the underlying cause, but the ability to force their way. A woman's repulsion at weakness is not a logical thing. It's sub-rational. It's why relationships where the woman is the main bread winner, higher IQ etc are more likely to fail. There are numerous studies confirming this.

And yes, many "nice" guys are using "niceness" as a tactic to get into a woman's pants. But their pushing against a woman's hypergamous instinct. In the end its a brother sister relationship, not a relationship of lovers.

Anonymous said...

hey guys!~ this is bullshit~

im a really dominant woman, I've taken tests that have told me there are only 7% more dominant than me

but dont relate to this at all. i look for someone with a good head on them. Not a submissive man, but not a really dominant man either. Just GOOD GENES. Sweet, but solid and secure.

being intelligent means being able to compromise and have good social relations

i dont mind putting myself below a person to to please them, giving way to keep things even. sucka guys dick to please him and make him feel loved.

being a dominant ANYTHING to me just means being assertive, vigilant and having your shit together. Yes being fearless and bold comes with it, but thats just part of being a leader. Using your WIT to serve you and the people you is really fucking important.

Yeah its true i call a lot of shots, i speak with authority when i can on a thing, but im not selfish and unreasonable.

Being selfish and unreasonable isn't a trait of a dominant female.

That is the trait of a moron.

I do not call socially challenged selfish people extremely intelligent because if you are lacking interpersonal skills, and don't know its about give and take in ALL relationships, you're lacking in my oppinion.

Anonymous said...

Lorrie, you scream selfishness in your own self denial. That's a MAJOR trait of domineering people. Self serving people seek self serving gratification, and can never be satisfied. Listen to yourself, look in the mirror girl!

Anonymous said...

Really interesting, but is not possible that those behaviors in men which trigger an asexual mothering response in women might occasionally, in some subgroup of women, be intermingled with a feeling of sexual desire; does the mind have such clear boundaries? Also, in light of the fact of the sexual abuse some children are exposed to, is the assertion that women do not want sex with children also a bit of a generalization? Great Article!

Anonymous said...

I had a very dominant woman for a boss. I am not sure if she was like this in all the realms of her life though. She was a a bit of a nutcase and fit to the T what is described as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), which is a bit different from OCD by the way. It was interesting - but frustrating - to work with her and she was relatively intelligent, but not quite as intelligent as she imagined herself to be. She did look down upon people she described as stupid and had this obsession with hiring young good-looking men though she herself was quite fat and unattractive. She was a complete control freak and was never happy with the results of things she had asked her subordinates to do and those people became frustrated and just gave up not being able to meet her unrealistic expectations. Having said this, the quality of things she did herself were very subpar. She was disliked by most of the people she worked with - especially the other women.

Exnihilo said...

That isn't entirely fair. most women I've dated tended to take charge. They weren't "bitchy". Nor did they "attack when challenged". They stated at the outset of the relationships that they were comfortable being the alpha. I laud their courage to step outside traditional social norms of everything from being led around by the hand to being entirely dependent to just laying still in bed and availing themselves to be used, to be quite frank.

In fact, in most cases I had assumed that role -not because I'm some kind of wimp, but because I refuse to live my life according to the dictates of smallminded fools who think that the woman's role is to bring the coffee and to make love strictly in the missionary position.

brittany said...

This is kind of interesting actually. I am an alpha female dominant in ALL aspects of life except my relationship. He's a very assertive man and while I can express a lot of my dominance in our relationship, he is the more dominant of the 2 of us.

Anonymous said...

Secondly, the more a man defers to a woman, lets her take control and seeks her approval by trying to please her, the less he appears a man and the more he appears the child: the less erotically inclined she will be towards him. Men who accept the gospel of radical feminism become less sexually attractive to their wives.

Their wives will leave for a more manly man.

Anonymous said...

I strongly advise these strong dominate women to check out Elise Sutton's Superiority page. There are far more submissive men than dominate women out there!

Heather said...

Oh my gosh, I was wondering why I can never find any "dateable" guys. This is why, I match this word for word perfectly. I always knew I was meant to be alone, and yeah, it's sad. But I guess having these genes isn't so bad..Eh.

Anonymous said...

Wow what a shallow, shitty article. Pop psychology makes for bad reading, bad ideas. Oh yeah---submissive men are seen as 'children' LOL. Radical feminism is evil!!! go back to the 1950s too LOL. No matter where I look on the internet, all I seem to find are huge boatloads of shit such as this blog :-/

Anonymous said...

Your gross generalization and made up bullshit theory that "women are turned off by indecisive men because its childlike behavior" is really stupid. What you are doing is dressing up your own personal opinion with a phony facade of pop psychology bullshit. Why are there strap-ons? Why are there loads of S&M websites with thousands of gender mixed men and being topped by women, and the women getting off in this? Don't know who you are, but your sweeping generalisations are bullshit LOL

KB said...

Although I do not find any reason to belittle you for your blog post, I will say that I strongly disagree with it. You make some strong generalizations and assumptions that seem very sexist in nature. Your proving examples did little to actually support your argument and your definition of the dominant female is lacking in depth. Not all Dominant females feel the need to attack those of differing viewpoints, some actually enjoy opposing views as long as it they are rational and logical. This post is far too heavy on the opinion side and too light on the factual side. You should at least state in a disclaimer that what is included herein is primarily your viewpoint on the subject with citations from strongly biased articles. Research means finding both proof of your thesis and exploring the antagonizing ideas to come up with a solid argument that is both plausible and exploratory. I would like to see you take this topic on again with a broader view.

The Social Pathologist said...

assumptions that seem very sexist in nature

Hey, I'm sexist. Man and women are different.

Not all Dominant females feel the need to attack those of differing viewpoints

In the game community it is called a "shit test". Essentially the female trowing the gauntlet down to see which man is worthy of her. Only the psychologically strongest men are.

Anonymous said...

This is me to a tee.
It's really depressing actually. I find I have more drive ambition and dominance than anybody else I have ever met/dated.
The man I am with today I see in the exact light this article describes. I love him as a friend and companion but as a lover I am less than enthused by him(and more so the longer I date him and see that he lacks so much of what I have/value); I really do feel like a mother in almost all my relationships and I get flighty when the man can't make decisions for himself/in a dominant way.. This article put into accurate words the emotions I have been feeling for so long. Absolutely amazing.

Michael said...

I have to admit I am a submissive man now.. but only until recently. I am not weak, but very strong and confident in body and mind. I have dated many women but in the end, the only few I respected was those with intelligence, inner strength and confidence. Now my only interest is to meet a dominant woman. Do I feel like a pussy or may worry that guys think i have no balls? No.. physically, I am intimidating and if I ever wanted to, i can become the imposing alpha in a snap of my finger, and certainly any woman I am with would quickly realize that too. But I find that deep down, I was meant to server my female partner and I would be happiest living my life with an alpha female. How we could live without one of us losing interest in the other is the question.

M Kumar said...

Valjean, you are bang on! You have said exactly what I have experienced with so called alpha dominating females. They want to take control of things with or without knowing anything on the subject or situation. They blow up when someone is critical of her thinking or behaviour and cannot take any constructive suggestions.

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Anonymous said...

I believe you need an alpha female just as much as the alpha female needs you. However the social pathologist is right...the alpha female needs the alpha male as well. This is where I am, I want my submissive men but I also want that one man, superior to me in every way. If I could have both I believe I would truly be happy but finding the right men, men who truly understand themselves, is not easy.

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I assume lesbians don't exist in your world. An alpha dominant woman can have an awesome relationship with another woman. I also think that even alpha dominant women can have successful relationships with men. There are so many people in the world and I don't believe in absolutes. A study reads that 70% of men are dominant oriented and 30% of womn are dominant. Now it's also very possible that both genders aren't coming clean but it's not so black and white now is it?

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Anonymous said...

It's a double-edged sword. Dominant women, just as any other human being are not perfect. There do have weaknesses and often in pretty trivial things. In fact one of their main weaknesses is their obsession with control and dominance. The point is that they are not always able to back up their opinions and actions with a solid foundation.

Case in point, I had to deal with a very dominant woman at work. Fortunately for me, I could see through her BS and that's where I stood my case. She pretended to speak very good French, also in her bossy way, but made many mistakes that native French speakers like myself would frown upon. Whenever she said something that was completely unintelligible I rephrased the sentence later "What she meant to say is actually..." in front of everybody. She had a few other factual lacks that I had a pleasure to poke into.

She came to my office one day and said "well, you've got quite an attitude..." I replied "well, I love facts and preferably correct ones."

We had sex that same night but I never wanted to get into a serious relationship with her. She kept trying for a few more months to get together with me before she eventually found some arrogant slime ball who was so into himself that he didn't even notice the dominant control freak in her.

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Anonymous said...

most " alpha " females are insecure and low self esteem... dont confuse high confidence and leadership with getting angry and yelling when things dont go your way due to insecurity

rarely do you see confident,fair and leaders in women, and if they are, there usually married to a very confident, successfull man, not a punching bag whimp husband like most of these so called alpha females marry

confident successfull women usually marry or date up, end of story... If a great leader wont take a chance with you, your not as " alpha " as you think, just an insecure person lying to himself to justify the reason you need to be in control of your whimpy husband

Anonymous said...

I'm in the middle of a marriage breakdown being married to a dominant woman. A few months earlier I found out that I am a pretty dominant man, but was raised to use reason instead of my gut so on numerous occasions I had no problem going the wife's way in handling decisions as it didn't change anything for me. If it wasn't beneficial for me, I'd speak up and we'd get into a fight. Now we're fighting nearly every day because I am honestly tired of her assuming she can treat me like dirt. I can go through divorce if I can't save this marriage, but I do want my healthy relationship back. It's as if she doesn't respect me any more and that just pushes every single button in me. You can physically assault me and I'll just stay within reasonable self defense. But talking to me like I'm some sort of tool... Big no. She gets shut out mentally and now I'm happily doing some studying about 1000 miles away from that demon bitch. And I kind of want to feel guilty about that, I kind of did have something to do with making her that way. But I just can't rationalize this as being my fault. No way. So... There. Dominant+Stupid = bad. Dominant+Smart = bliss. :D

Anonymous said...

I consider myself a dominant female, but not in the traditional sense of the word. I learned early on that people are somewhat irrational, yet I always wanted to admire, look up to, respect, and thank them for what they taught me, and recognize their value. In many instances I did so, but this didn't last very long. I think that's where my dominance lies: in the realization that we are as good as we can be.

This knowledge has allowed me to view all others as equals, and not be fooled by pretensions of greatness or rank. It is almost a debunking of this crazy idea of hierarchy.

In life or the manner in which I express myself does not reveal that dominance at all, but favors amiability, consideration, and harmony with others. The best way to achieve this is through avoidance. I try to limit my interactions to prevent too much drama or conflict. But I'm very nice and cordial within the group setting, although I become fatigued, so I have basically become a loner.

I call this a hidden dominance because it is a realization that we all have this idea of ourselves or of human hierarchies, but they are fake, based on absurd assumptions...

Anonymous said...

I think this is stupid. A good looking female who is a clear submissive can still have power, and its the power which men are attracted to. The power, submissive women obtain isn't from control, but the prestige element. "The princess you'll never have a chance with".

However for some reason when a man is submissive he does not have the presitge, more so he thinks its allright if he doesn't have confidence or self worth, and that is the biggest problem. If a man was confident, equal in self worth but submissive in the bedroom, you think the woman would care? Hell no. I think both male and female starts to question their relationship when they start to feel like they deserve somebody on par with their self worth.

The problem is you're comparing self worth to dominance, which is clearly not even in the slightest true. Does a 50 year old pedophile have more self worth as a high school prom princess because he is more dominant?

When in a relationship, two people are equal, then they will do whatever makes their partner happy, whether it means acting dominant or submissive.

Anonymous said...

I’m not familiar with this site. But “The Dominant Female” struck a nerve. As a battle-scarred woman let me tell you about the three most domineering women I’ve ever known. I’m talking the ultimate, supreme, unrivalled, gold-standards. Two of them I've known since youth. The third is a woman I worked with for just two years, but who scarred me badly.

The first two are rough, crude, battle-axe types who are so insufferable they drive everyone away. Including their husbands, who got so fed up that they both went out of control sexually and had numerous affairs (think Bill Clinton and his battle-axe). Now each of the women are raising three kids on their own. They have only themselves to blame.

The third was most dangerous. Unlike the others, she is well-educated, refined, sophisticated, and comes across as lady-like. Upon first meeting her no one would guess what a domineering, greedy, lying, scheming, manipulative, back-stabbing little witch she is. At work she undermined everyone around her: male, female, young, old, higher ups and support staff alike. Sometimes it was subtle. Other times she threw tantrums and tattled on people. That's how she got ahead. Perhaps tellingly, the person she treated most viciously and unfairly was a beautiful young blonde woman. The existence of beautiful women (when she herself is on the plain side) she considered a personal affront to herself and her smug sense of superiority. She shamelessly, ruthlessly clawed her way up the corporate ladder. The fact that she would never see herself as a dishonest, unethical person is the most outrageous part. Everyone else she expects to toe the line. Otherwise she would nail them and squash them like a bug. If this were the behavior of a soap opera villainess it would be amusing. But in real life it's truly disturbing.

Years later I actually saw her on the tv news, in a segment on working women with stay-at-home husbands. Not a surprise given that a) she's narcissistic enough to seek publicity; and b) the poor shmuck is now totally under her control. Let's see how long he lasts.

In conclusion, for me it took time, experience, and helpful insights by others, like those on this site, to put all these pieces together and see behind the curtain.

Anonymous said...

Lots of talking about strength in the old archaic manner ones person strength is the others person weakness.

I experince male and female strength completely different. I myself am passionate, driven, playful, strong women I encountered where controled, driving, street smart, looking ahead.

Thats all nothing but skills, worth nothing without higher purpose. Good indicator if the opposite will be able to deal with my own strength, throwing the gauntlet is at fair means.

Patricia Brooks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

perhaps....but im sick of the 'whats in it for me' undercurrent in all of this... its the narcissistic sickness the defines our age.. personally i would not want or accept a partner who exhibits this predatory attitude...good riddance...

Anonymous said...

I'm a dominant woman who loves submissive men. I'm just posting this comment so that submissive men and dominant women reading this page know that they are lovable and can have awesome relationships. Ignore this shit. It's no different than homophobia.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely true. Emasculated comes to mind.

Keri said...

Well put. All of it. I only want to state you're dead on when I think about the dominant women in my life (my mother, her moter before her and even my sister and sadly myself too). When I noticed my nasty behavior was very similar to my nasty, bossy grandmother's, I quickly got out of my current relationship to avoid treating my boyfriend without the respect every person is entitled to. It disgusted me to hear her awful words come out of my mouth.
Years later, I am going to have to settle for somebody I dont care for in order to have a child or I will be alone. (Sadly, I used to wish for a single life but not anymore.) I've found exes who expected me to be dominant today but let them down since I've changed, grown up, learned to compromise, ect. But, strictly speaking about sex... I would love to dominate the men who don't see I really haven't changed.
I hope dominant women stay dominant in bed but learn how to compromise in other situations. I mean, do we have to come off as total witches everywhere in order to keep our men submissive? Do we have to appear as if we know it all just so men see we are dominant in bed?
Hmm. Now I've confused myself. I actually miss the awesome sex I had back then and pray I'll find another partner to match what we had together but I don't want to belittle a person for the sake of great sex. That poor boy. I can hardly think of the way I treated him w/out feeling guilty. The others, I couldnt care less about. I believe I did some serious, permanent damage to him.
Isnt there a way I can be nice AND show I'm Dominant in bed? Now, my relationships are short lived because I let the man decide a few things without pointing out his faults.. Since I dont do what I used to do, men arent interested. Maybe I've crossed into the week looking category or I started looking my age for once.
God! I just wanted to make a short statement to you but I'm obviously lost. Damn. When did I become so insecure? Maybe I'm just having a bad day.
I want to make it clear that I believe a couple can have an honest, true, loving relationship while also enjoying the dom/sub lifestyle. Then again, what do I know? A year or two ago, I would make statements as facts even if I knew I was probably full of it. I'd have followers who backed me up even If I was wrong and people would come ask my advice about this topic. Now, I'm researching the subject like a teenager questioning their body. God! Please send help and good intentions my way so I can get back on track like before.
Thanks for letting me vent!

Keri again said...

Can you give us a good starting point to check out? I need the ones that dont use big words that are hard to understand. I figure a person, like yourself could write the easier to understand stuff for us non psych majors.
You write well. Do you blog or post info online? I'd love to tell you more about myself and the how & why I believe I ended up where I am today. But, chances are, I'm just another person saying the same stuff you hear and read everywhere.
Life passed me by. When I thought I had it all figured out, I was hit with a handful of reality checks I couldn't face. I wouldn't say I'm a spoiled baby but I'd say everybody in my family is playing their own delusional part.
I've had a ex ask me to dominate him and recalled a night I became his 1st. I still swear it never happened. He swore I made him sleep by tye foot of my bed. And this was when I was dating another boy. It was decades ago. I made the mistake and apologized for it. But somebody said he was hinting at me to dominate him. Now, I would really like to control him just for trying to mess w/my head like that. After he put the idea in my head, I find myself reading about BDSM stuff. I swear I wont be mean like I was before but I'd love to see his ass licking my floors. If anything, I'd let a boy shave my legs in school when we were young. But I don't remember making those types of decisions until I turned 23-after being treated wrong by others for years. That's when I decided to "get mine first". Still, I don't see that as dominant. I see it as not taking crap from losers anymore. I didn't enjoy it or take it as far as most women did.
Now, I'm wondering if I'm even the type of person who falls into this group of Alphas.
God, I need a drink after reading all this. No wonder it's impossible to find the right person! I can see why mail order brides are tempting to men.

Keri said...

You need to read what she wrote again. She states if a person doesn't get give and take, they're lacking... very true and honest in my opinion.
Who wants to be in a relationship with a person who can't inderstand give and take?
I don't see anything she wrote as being domineering either.
Because she's a female, she is in denial or needs to take a second look at herself? You just wanted to jump on somebody. She was open and honest and you took advantage of the chance to voice your two cents. Besides being a jerk to a poster, why dont you add more? What else do you have to add besides yelling at somebody you dont know?
I found it refreshing. Finally, I could read another way to look at the idea. So, besides calling names, what other imput do you have to share?

Anonymous said...

sweet, KERRI, hope you 'll find it before you shrivel up too much. I am a male who has grown up with females ALL MY LIFE, thru wars, and more than 3 or more different cultures, and touched on about 9 diff languages, but not dominant myself.Do I have to be dominant?Like to please others, does that make me weak? Can't a man and a woman come to balance, without the feeling that not being a steam-roller, you are a looser.

Look at the physique of a man: he is a pro-tuder, look at her: she is a receiver, that i believe calls fora mind to go with both

Does that mean that he is king-kong and she's the barbie.

Now I am going to use a dirty "word":Our maker made the Mode-of -employ book.But of course us humans like to tell HIM what to do
cos we humans are just so smart!!

VALJEAN: you are an astute woman, i am much impressed, Kerri: u'r sweet, don't give up. This blogg
BTW been married to Russian woman,
maybe i know about Alpha-femmes, but in Russia you need to be an A L P H A anyhow or die. a black page in my history. Sigh

Anonymous said...

uggh it get worse as you age.
a bitch will always want to be a bitch. even to us kind giving loving women. it sucks! enjoy your youth!

Anonymous said...

oh and btw Lori

You seem like such a pain in the

ASS! I'm so glad i don't know you individually. I can tell we would NOT get along. You seem really rude and overbearing. If you want can give you names of some alpha bitches i used to chill out with and you can discuss being a big old on facebook. u give women a BAD name uggh!

Anonymous said...

I dated someone exactly like this. I was very attracted to her intelligence and sense of humor. The dominant female has lots of sex appeal.

The problem arrises when she completely wants to dominate and control the relationship. MInd games, manipulation, jealousy, constant tests of the relationship just proved to be too much for me and I'm a very easy going and diplomatic guy.

Her obsessiveness over winning every small argument, debate were just not attractive. Sad, because these smart and sexy women most likely end up alone.

Anonymous said...

I dated someone exactly like this. I was very attracted to her intelligence and sense of humor. The dominant female has lots of sex appeal.

The problem arrises when she completely wants to dominate and control the relationship. MInd games, manipulation, jealousy, constant tests of the relationship just proved to be too much for me and I'm a very easy going and diplomatic guy.

Her obsessiveness over winning every small argument, debate were just not attractive. Sad, because these smart and sexy women most likely end up alone.

Anonymous said...

Yes god has a lot to answer for

Anonymous said...

I'm a female and I can't STAND dominant female employers. They're insecure, always trying to prove their worth, generally hormonal, inappreciative and unsupportive. An excellent manager is one that encourages their workers. One who looks for talent and then builds the team. When I have been unfortunate enough to work for dominant females, I have always found that they have a need to knock the legs out from under anyone who is a critical thinker or who is self-motivated. They are probably threatened. Much prefer an intelligent, friendly and confident manager that treats workers as equals and builds them up....rather than tears them down. As for relationships, I"m not surprised they can't get along with men. Who the heck wants to be with a control freak? A good relationship is one where people respect and love each other. It's give and take - not give me what I want or I'll diss you. They lack good relationship skills.

Anonymous said...

This article is amazing. I am a more dominate women, who a lot find me confident, sexy and smart. Well Vajeal* is right to an extent when it comes to someone like me. Ive always been dominate where as I'm not attracted to a submissive man. I do find myself intelligent, but I'm very insecure. Past events made me insecure, scared and left me being alone a lot. I'm always alone and I can't make relationships work I'm always leaving. I'm not so sure that's it's them though I believe the issues are within myself. I'm not selfish. I'm loving, but very angry. Anger and past events are what have driven me to be the way I am. It started as a child though not as an adult.

Anonymous said...

Just be yourself and think of the other as your half who also want ti be himself, support each other as friends, respect each other as human beings and less frustrations or problems you will encounter.

Anonymous said...

I've been searching all over for a situation that resembles my own. I'm very submissive in my working daily public life, but in relationships I'm very dominant. The problem is that I expect a man to act like a man outwardly, but submit to me in every other aspect. Is this a thing? I see Alpha female/sex vixen. Which is the opposite of what I have going on. Please direct me to some information.

Anonymous said...

There is an explanation why "alpha"(shitty term, "alphas" do not exist as defined by PUA jargon) women succeed in the workplace but not in their personal life has to do with how workplaces are engineered today. Women are more capable of manipulating and using psychological violence, and they are more prone to be treated as victims than men, even if a woman is a perpetrator of violence. The traits that allow men to dominate women in the workplace are forbidden. for instance, a man cannot "shut the fuck up" a woman, cannot put her in her place by being masculine, cannot be psychologically aggressive if he needs to (and trust me, there are situations where it is needed, more than you think).

So, women get loose in a place where male agressiveness is suppressed. However, such aggresiveness is not suppressed in real life. When women come out of work, where they believe to be the fucking bosses, they come to real life where men will not accept authoritarian traits on women.

And, no, men are NOT AFRAID of domineering women. Men are afraid of the consequences of resorting to the measures needed to dominate a woman (slap her in the face, being violent). A domineering woman only accepts and recognizes superior force. And superior force in men is penalized by law.

Anonymous said...

"Men are afraid of the consequences of resorting to the measures needed to dominate a woman (slap her in the face, being violent). A domineering woman only accepts and recognizes superior force. And superior force in men is penalized by law."

What are you a primate, still living in the 1800's.
Only primates of inferior decree, "slap and hit" their mates before subduing them to mate.

We are beyond that. We are not animals. It sounds like you are afraid of dominant women. Dominant women are bold, they already know what they want in a mate. Chances are if you meet one. She will discuss what she requires in a man before dating you. And if you're not Mr. right. She will not "hit you" to "subdue you" like some men do. She will ask you to change, let you know what bothers her. If you don't. She will leave you as quick as she came. She already knows what she wants in someone. You are one in a billion men who ask her out due to her looks. And she knows this.

A man who respects his wife. Provides. And is bold and strong to protect her. (even though she feels she has the cunning smarts to outwit, lol) Is what she will want. Someone of equal caliber not some joe smoe.

Anonymous said...

The one factor that has kept the dominant female from totally controlling increasingly weak and feminized men is their weaker physical characteristics. Men traditionally have enjoyed upper body strength superiority. However, that has now changed. While self-defense training and martial arts knowledge was almost unheard of for women in the 40s and 50s, today it is very commonplace and almost all women seek it out as a physical advantage over men. Many dominant females will brag about their knowledge of judo and karate and actually enjoy using it to punish or hurt weaker woman and men who don't have the knowledge. This often begins in the University and carries on through professional school. I have seen women actually embarrass their boyfriends or partners in social situations by telling everyone how easy it would be to beat us their partner. The dominant female will control the work force and education systems with nothing to fear from jealous inferior males who will have no choice but to give way. The dominant female wears the pants, the submissive male the panties.

Anonymous said...

This article seems to be mostly true as I've seen this for years, personally speaking; however, I have also seen these opposites attract each other very often too. In other words, the verbally domineering woman (almost sickning to watch), while the man remains quiet. I saw this growing up somewhat, yet more men back then did set a limit while today, the verbally domineering woman has become the rule rather than the exception while the silent men are all around us (WHEN in the company of women that is). This trend is all through our pop media too. On TSN sports there is 1 woman as an example, who use to have blonde hair now brunette, whose voice is butch and she proceeds to dominate as if she gets a high of this. I refrain from watching TV or listening to the radio much anymore due to this constant female non-stop talking seemingly to be right at any expense whether it be high pitched nasally ones from America, or snobbish ones from England. It's become chronic. Oh well, it will all come out in the wash. Maybe it is the caffeine, the boos, birth control pill, junk food? It's getting so I don't even want to hear men who are like this. Where have the ladies and gentlemen all disappeared to? Why aren't Asian women like this, or Eastern European women?

JF said...

I am an alpha male who has attracted and dumped many alpha females. What attracts me initially is their outward confidence, which usually translates into bedroom fun. What causes me to break up is their childish view of relationships...a Nelly Olson perspective. Their desire for control turns them into boarish brats when they are confronted with their inconsistencies. When they rant and yell invective attacks, a calm, confident man who smiles always brings the biggest of tantrums. Pitiful. These are controlling brats who never grew up and learned how to treat others with respect.Period. A man who is willing to stay composed, listen, not flinch when "threatened" and, potentially, walk away, will always hold the power with these women who are all bark and no bite. Wise up, boys. Have fun with these women, but don't subject yourself to their control.

James SC said...

Fantastic, thoughtful blog... And it's interesting since this was written 5 yrs ago yet still could've been very relevant 20 yrs ago as well.

Some initial thoughts on comments:
“With my basic english I will try to explain why I think this post is not absolutely right.”
“hey guys!~ this is bullshit~im a really dominant woman, I've taken tests that have told me there are only 7% more dominant than me…Just GOOD GENES. Sweet, but solid and secure.”
“Wow what a shallow, shitty article. Pop psychology makes for bad reading, bad ideas.”

Heh. Anyone including the above who says this is a sh#tty article, that these conclusions about (most) dominate females - is just plain in denial. Why? I used to be exactly the dominant female the author/OP posted here... and it took some good humbling lessons, falls not to mention 5 yrs in 12-Step recovery over my control/codependency issues to get out of my freaking ego and pride. Like, for Pete's sake, "GOOD GENES?" Where did that person pull such a shallow and conceited claim out of their arse? If anything I've learned in life is anyone who promotes dominating claims about themselves says exactly the opposite - "Good genes" screams INSECURE.

Valjean has some enlightening conclusions. "“Dominant PEOPLE tend to have this anxiety driven, untrusting, shrewd attitude toward life… they cannot take criticism or even the nagging memory that they did something unjust or inefficient…They automatically- quick like magic- shift the blame onto others…”

But I wonder - aren't you just saying the same as Narcissists? I think there is a difference between Dominant persons and Narcissists. I have a dominant personality at times, but my life is definitely NOT all the time about me/being in the spotlight and I certainly take accountability of my mistakes (most of the time ;). But Narcissists DO all of the above you mention and there should be a distinction.
Being dominant means one can still have self-discipline, have actualization and be giving/having mindful empathy... although I'm not sure if the vote out there says majority of dominants out there are more selfless than selfish?

Anyway, I digress... I wholeheartedly agree with the author though - and why I came to this blog was to reassure myself that dominant females do seek a more psychologically strong male, and that it is naturally attractive. I'm 37, feel like I've wasted a lot of years finding the right guy b/c I turned down so many men who I felt I could dominate over. On the flipside, I also dated men who were more stronger than me, to find out they are Narcissistic or selfish jerks (guess that's synonymous). I've made a lot of mistakes. But 6 months ago, I finally met an AMAZING, very intelligent and attractive man... who is oddly very sensitive... but also psychologically stronger than myself. I've always dated better than the previous every time... I don't feel I will be able to do better than this gentleman.

I would hope for the dominant woman on here who is seeking happiness more than companionship or status, in my experience, it's far more worth it to hold out for the right person than to settle.

Anonymous said...

Nice reply, Keri, and spot on.

Lorri's post made sense, and I too got the sense that the previous Anon was just jumping on her. A reasonable person would not have.

I enjoyed your posts too, Keri. Fascinating stuff. I suggest you join fetlife as a domme, that way you can meet men who are right into the idea of being dominated.

BTW if you made a sub guy sleep at the foot of the bed, don't worry. That's the kind of thing dommes do!

Antonio Camacho said...

Valjean, you are a freaKen genius!!!

Anonymous said...

I was researching dominant mother's because I am visiting my mother and she is driving me insane. I am not sure how I ended up here because I am very upset but I am glad to discover I do not want to be like my mother. Thank you for the good advise. It was painful to read the therapist's opinion of dominant patients but unfortunately mist of it was true. I will use it ad creative criticism and I will make adjustments. I just ended a 7 year marriage and I am starting a new relationship. I want to make sure I do not ruin it. Thanks again and may God help us all. At the end of the day is all about love!

MR Lakshmi said...

This may not sound fair, because it’s not

But did you know that you can be a guy’s dream girl...

I mean, you can literally check off every box on his “perfect woman” list...

But if you mess up this one thing, he’ll drop you the second another option comes along?

My friend James Bauer discovered this missing “secret ingredient” all men are constantly searching for in a woman.

And most women have no clue it exists because guys aren’t even aware of it.

We just KNOW when it’s missing.

===> The “Secret Ingredient” to obsessive love <=====

The really cool thing is, when you know how to give a man this “secret ingredient”...

It will send a shockwave of desire for you straight to his brain and he will HAVE to have you.

In fact, when you do this... watch his face light up, almost as if he’s just been zapped.

It’s that moment when he says to himself “Where have you BEEN all my life?”

Every woman should know this. Check it out here: ====> Why men leave “perfect” women... <=====

Steven said... are perfect and 100% right. Alpha females dont have to be selfish shitty people. Most are. Mine is. I give in because i'm a good person, and the heads good lol. Plus she's more attractive than one would expect me to have. Downside,she's horribly selfish, poor parent, spoiled little girl inside.
Because your amazing....ill tell you a secret. The true formula for a monogamous, healthy, loving relationship that will last forever....ready....make all your decisions based on what will make your partner happy...the tricky part is finding a partner who can do the same. When and if couples live this way, the only arguments will be over dinner plans or what movie to see.